yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
