how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
