Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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