my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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