Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
