He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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