i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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