if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
