I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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