I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
