walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
