I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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