Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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