Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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