Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
