I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
