Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
wanna go halves on a baby?
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
