im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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