life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
