don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
