i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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