final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
