Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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