you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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