you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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