I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
His nipple licking is glorious
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