don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
