I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
