I'm really into asian looking animals
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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