I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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