Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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