The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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