genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
