i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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