The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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