Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
