So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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