I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
