I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
