i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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