got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
