I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
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