easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
