he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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