don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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