Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
