The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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