ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
