I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
