please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Randomize
