Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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