**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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