piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
